My last shared thought on this blog was over a month ago and it was about how I almost missed my flight going to Singapore. I wanted to follow that up with what I did in the city. I wanted to share how I got lost in one of Singapore’s oldest town – Tiong Bahru and how I eventually found its quaint streets, bookstores and amazing bakery. I fancied writing about how disciplined the people and how smooth the public transport are. I wanted to talk about poetry and arts and literature in Singapore. But I can’t seem to put into words my thoughts on it all because I was consumed with one emotion – I never wanted to go home anymore.
When I came back to my reality in the Philippines😆 I think I was not the same anymore. I related to a friend that Singapore pushed my reset button. I was willing to forget everything I started (which I guess was not much) and start rebuilding my dreams again there.
This is when I was locked in confusion on what to do and where to go while major changes were also happening outside of me. For one, my #ladyboss finally had a replacement as President and CEO after nine months of waiting. For me, this meant change of work station, office pals, work per se, routine and all. I remember my anxious prayer of surviving this change because I was imagining the worst – that the people whom I’ve been nice to and were also nice to me would change their treatment of me, that the ‘friendships’ I thought I built will crumble into pieces. (Yes, part of my naiveté is expecting that as long as I’m nice and good, people will be the same as well. Hehe. But then, growing up means not giving a damn to what others will think of you.)
But the changes outside of me are nothing compared to the battle happening deep inside me which aggravated my confusion. I became impatient of myself that I am taking too long to do things I want to do, that I get easily distracted/sidetracked, that I seemed to be trapped between my calling and obligations. I don’t know if you’ve experienced that feeling before, that you know in your heart what you want but then you are allowing yourself to get distracted by shallow reasons or hindrances which results to you thinking that you don’t know what you want yet. Yeah, my journey can be that confusing.
Then Holy Week Came
If I would put all my ways of spending the Holy Week of the past and present in a table, this year would be the lamest. I did not do anything grand, not even join the procession or the Visita Iglesia. The height of my effort was seating in front of the Sacrament on Maundy Thursday and seeking confession on Good Friday.
I got to watch The Bible mini-series which is actually a three four-hour series on TV. It was an amazing film that captured a lot of stories in the Bible though not all. The series likewise got me explaining details and persons to my father while we watch (like Sarah and Elizabeth are different persons with almost the same circumstances. This made me resolve to buy him a Tagalog Bible the soonest!!).
I also got to explain the scenes of carosas of the procession to the six-year old Sai. It was fun, joyful and loving to teach her the life of Jesus.
In the morning of Black Saturday, I woke up with a strange but satisfying feeling. I felt a calming assurance overwhelming me. I felt assured of my future and of my dreams. I felt that everything is figureoutable and will be alright.
Just like how Jesus Christ’s life did not end on the cross on the Calvary, I felt that my life and my dreams won’t stop here, at this ugly, messy, torturous confusion I was having.
As Jesus redeemed my soul from sins, conquered death and resurrected again, I know that my calling and I will also spring back to life again, this time maybe fiercer and bolder.
I realized that the strange feeling of calmness I felt was coming from the triumph of Easter. And Easter reminds us, assures us that agony is turned into glory, sorrow into joy, death into a new life and victory.
Easter does not mean there will be no pain and struggle, it means amidst our pain and struggles, light will shine through our wounds and will conquer darkness. It means Christ has risen from the dead; there is nothing He can’t conquer for you and me. And that is the greatest and sweetest miracle of all. 💛
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?
For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:55-57